We all want to look good.

When we wake up in the morning and get dressed, we are preparing to market ourselves to the world. We want every person who passes us on the street to think we’re healthy and clean. We want our car washed, we want our clothes to fit right, and we want to hide our flaws.

If you think about it, life is all about communication. Everything you do, from the way you speak, to the way you wear your hair, to the way walk to the bathroom tells a story. If “the real you” is what you want the world to notice, that’s easy. Just point a cheap camera at your face at any time of the day and take a candid photo. You’ll see blemishes, hairs you missed while shaving, and rings under your eyes from staying up too late. There are zillions and zillions of these. No one will care except for you.

But some of us want to communicate a larger-than-life symbol or myth — the sorts of things that will be remembered for generations and change the world. Important ideas: fairy tales, sculptures, songs, nursery rhymes, and legends are not easily forgotten. Photos of your ugly face are.

Public figures want to send a strong message, distilled down to its essential ingredients. They know how difficult it is to reach as many people as possible. They don’t want interference, static, noise, and distraction. Artists, musicians, and actors who put themselves in the spotlight are under an extreme amount of pressure to communicate a pure and unquestionable message. Every time a celebrity yawns, burps, or shovels food into their mouths in a diner, there is a good chance a camera is pointed at them. That is not worth broadcasting, and effective communicators throughout history know this.

To be able to capture those perfect moments in time that tell an IMPORTANT story, they have learned to POSE. They have learned to disregard all that is unimportant and capture the essence of their MYTH. That which is common is not worth mass-communicating. Everyone is fat. Everyone farts. Not everyone auditions for Steve Vai or gets beat up by Andy Garcia. These are the things that are Special and Rare.

At Poserific PR, we are all about helping our clients become Posers — because we believe Posing is at the heart of communicating that which is Special and Rare.

Some call it Fake. Some call it Contrived. We call it Creative Storytelling.

I’m Lance Lumpkin, the Director of Business Development, and you can count on me to help you achieve your goals and dreams. Let Poserific put together a campaign for you TODAY that will transmit your meme through time and space FOREVER.

Lance Lumpkin
Director of Business Development
poserific@gmail.com

http://poserific.wordpress.com

Hi folks. So, the CD-R tour did not exactly go as had been planned. There were some problems that came up, like me missing the 2nd date of the tour in Austin at the Coldtowne Theater because of traffic. After that, things sort of fell off. I am in Orlando now, working in a hotel room, editing a bunch of things together and writing things out, so I will have something to show out of this crazy adventure. I love hotel rooms; for some reason there is something about working in a hotel room that is better than working in any other kind of room. I think I may have to start renting hotel rooms just to work in them for a day. I think some people have that and call it “offices”. All in all I’ve learned a heck of lot from this journey and have a lot of new knowledge about the way things work that I will be able to put into the next tour. I also plan to make my stand-up not suck so bad. I think I figured out what has been holding me back. I won’t share that now, you will just have to wait and see. On a stranger note: last night while backstage at my old theater here in O-ville-town, I happened to walk by an open office door and glimpse inside. I saw a painting that had been hanging in my old girlfriend and I’s bedroom in 2002; it was the ugliest painting ever and still is. I somehow loved it though, even if it was a total eyesore. It was a pastel-colored portrait of a band. I think we used to make up names for all the members of the band and what their music might sound like. I don’t remember who painted it, maybe we never knew. But there it was last night HANGING IN SOMEBODY’s OFFICE!!!, right behind their desk. That was the first insanely surreal moment of I’m sure several that will happen the next few days. If you are in the Orlando area, you should really come by the 30th Anniversary shows. The schedule is up on sak.com/30shows; as it stands now, I am only scheduled to do the Midnight Jam tomorrow, but I will be around taking photos of shoes and drinking pop corn.

For Immediate Release. Please download, print, and distribute to all media contacts ASAP. We need to get this into circulation before Dr. Zoltan releases Episode 3 or he is threatening litigation due to our tardiness. We can’t afford another lawsuit, so Cindy, please get these over to Kinkos and run them on the COLOR Laser — these are PRESS-READY, so they need to be cut down to 7.5 x 10 or he is going to freak. Make sure you tell it to reduce to printer margins. I’ll be back from Singapore on Sunday.

Lance Lumpkin
Director of Business Development
Poserific PR

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmqFzI_PSd0

We at Poserific PR are proud to announce that we will be diligently composing a press release to capitalize on this breaking news!

Sir Millard Mulch’s ex-bandmate, Will Maier (who can be seen in David Lynch’s Inland Empire and alongside Forrest Whittaker & Sarah Michelle Gellar in the upcoming feature film, The Air I Breathe) is doing a solo stand-up comedy / spoken word tour across the U.S.

September 25 – Los Angeles, CA (D&D Joke Center)
September 26 – ?
September 27 – ?
September 28 – Austin, TX (Coldtowne Theater)
September 29 – ?
September 30 – ?
October 1 – ?
October 2 – ?
October 3 – ?
October 4 – ?
October 5 – Orlando, FL (SAK Theater)

That’s right! 8 out of the 11 Tour Dates are still in the process of being booked at the last minute! Will has notified Poserific PR that he is WILL-ing (get it?) to perform ANYWHERE – a basement, a church, a back yard BBQ, a comic book store, or a ham radio shop. If you want to bring Will to YOUR TOWN on one of those days, please contact poserificpr@gmail.com and we will patch your call through to him… or visit http://www.myspace.com/williamstandupcomedian and send him a band flyer comment (he will personally approve all of them!).

His website can be found at www.whatev.org

Lance @ Poserific PR
Director of Business Development
poserificpr@gmail.com
http://poserific.wordpress.com
http://www.myspace.com/poserificpr

Below is the actual ascii text we were able to data-mine from one of Will’s numerous Geocities pages:

“THROWING CDRs AT PEOPLE” TOUR STARTS NEXT TUESDAY AT D&D

In an age where everyone’s mom’s best friend has a comedy / video website, I figured the best way to celebrate my upcoming drive-across-the-country, and also get my message out to the people of our tired nation during this currently internet-overwhelmed culture, is to put a bunch of material I’ve withheld from the internet onto CD-R’s and give them away to (i.e. Throw them at ) people who are in a place where I am in front of them speaking into a microphone. These limited edition sure to be one-day valuable CD-Rs will contain selection from the following:

-Highlights from unreleased recording sessions with Sir Millard Mulch, Jared Whitham & others from 1997 to 2006
-Portions of my now dis-continued Blogger AudioBlog from 2003-2006 (discontinued because Blogger discontinued the service)
-Selections from my now legendary collection of voicemail messages (the reason my mailbox is sometimes full)
-Songs sung into my cellphone’s voicemail (another reason)
-Miscellany clips from my old 4-track and studio recordings
-And many more!

Plus I am sure I will put some clips from my appearance at Westwood Brew Co’s NAME OF SHOW when I performed an entire set in front of a variety of birds (the recording was personally engineered by Carl King / Sir Millard Mulch).

I am sure you are now of bated breath, wondering when or where you will have the opportunity to hear obtain these lovingly hand-loaded, decorated, jewelcased and iMac-burned pieces of plastic. Well, if you are in the LA area, you can pick one up at the next D + D Joke Center which is happening September 25th, that’s next Tuesday. If you do not live in Los Angeles but do happen to live along Interstate 10, I will be stopping off occasionally on the drive to Florida to perform wherever possible. I’ve made several inquiries about shows in Austin Phoenix and New Orleans (mostly in my mind), but because of the lastminuteness* of this trip, I decided not to push myself too hard on all the very professional alternative comedy venues and comedians along the way, the ones who work hard barely promoting their appearances and keeping themselves on the middle of the radar (it’s getting to be a Big Business!).

So if you live somewhere near I-10 and know of a place that seats at least 4, even if it’s the artiest and most crazy kind of performance art thing in the world and i’ll be going on between a swashbuckling cat and a schizophrenic eating mittens, please reply. I just want to pretend this trip is more than me being paid to drive a van across 9 states (although I’m happy to do that, because I love driving and enjoy eating beef jerky).

I’ll end by saying this Tour is fully endorsed by myself, William Maier, and Popomohaha Inc, which has been trying to bring you exciting esoteria since at least 1994 or so. All proceeds of course go to the Save The Kids Forever Fund and are brought to you in part by the Florida Artists’ Grant (FAAG). http://geocities.com/pal-alvah

All publicity inquiries can be directed to Lance at Poserific PR (email: poserific@gmail.com).

Thank you. Finalized dates & appearances will be posted within the next couple of days.

Your friend,

William Maier

“The Comedian So Unknown That Even The Comedians Who Say ‘Nobody Knows Who I Am!’ Don’t Know Who He Is.”

* – Lastminuteness is not a word, but I think that it ought to be.

-Lance

===

Will Maier (actor, comedian) was recently tortured in a Mexico City warehouse for 5 hours by Andy Garcia for the upcoming feature film The Air I Breathe (Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, Brendan Frasier, and Forrest Whittaker) , which is set to open in theaters nationwide in January 2008.

He performs weekly at Ultimate Improv in Los Angeles alongside ____. He has also toured internationally, performing in New Zealand (Wellington’s Te Papa Museum and Aukland’s Cover Theater) and Amsterdam (Leidespleine’s Boom Chicago).

In between, he has found time to talk to birds, tape receipts to his wall, appear in several television commercials, and get directed by David Lynch for Inland Empire.

Check back frequently!